Friday, November 17, 2006

You know you are the talk of the medical community when...

I have, what appears to be, your average ordinary head cold. Normally I could handle the weary, congested, light-headedness of it all but here is why its getting to me so hard...

Approximately 3 weeks ago I went to the doctor. I wasn't feeling particularly bad, except for the fact that the entire right side of my face was swollen! My eye had been swollen shut every morning for at least a week before I went to see the doctor. Following is the conversation which transpired:

After feeling around my ear and eye, "Your lymph nodes are swollen, have you ever had the mumps?"

"No, I had the shot when I was little though"

"What about Mononucleosis?"

"I had that when I was 12 years old, really bad case too. I missed the whole summer because of it."

After referring to his textbooks for a couple of minutes. "Any fever or vomiting?"

"Uh, no. I feel fine except for the fact that my head is swollen and I can't see straight"

"We could test you for Mono could have reactivated it somehow."



"Fine, test me for Mono. That still doesn't explain the swollen eye though does it?"

"They could be entirely unrelated. You could just have pink eye."

"Dude. Are you telling me that I could have contracted 'reactivated Mono' and 'pink eye' at the same time?"

Chuckling, "It is entirely possible. It still doesn't add up though. Have you changed anything in the last month or so? New laundry detergent, soap, diet?"

"Nope. Pretty consistent with all that stuff."


"We did get a cat about 6 weeks ago but I'm not allergic to cats."

Eyes as big as teacup saucers, "Reeeeaaaalllyy. How old is the cat?"

"Maybe three months old. Why?"


"Excuse me?"

"Your cat, is it frisky? Scratch and bite and all that?"

"Of course, basically looked like a Med school drop out was practicing stitch techniques on my arm."

"Your right arm?"

"Yeah, pretty much only my right arm, that's the one I use to play with the cat."

*Deep chuckle, pulling out his prescription notepad* "Ok, we'll test you for Mono but I'm 98% sure you have Cat Scratch Disease." *Chuckle Chuckle*

"WHAT???!!! Like the song?"

*Chuckle Chuckle*

"You're saying I have Cat Scratch Disease, Conjunctivitis, and possibly 'reactivated' Mono?"

*Chuckle Chuckle* "Yep, you're a regular smogasborg of interesting diagnostics" (no doubt referring to my x-ray noted in my ABC Meme)

So I left the Doctor's office with a prescription for some strong antibiotics, a new found distate for my innocent little kitten, and a Ted Nugent song circling around and around my head.

Two weeks later they called to tell me that I do indeed have "reactivated" Mono and that I should avoid any situations where I would be punched in my stomach. I guess I won't be taking those cannonball gut shots I was so looking forward to.


They should just put me in the hospital to research how many diagnoses one human being can actually have in one month. Sheesh

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